emosi anit

There's a lot of things that I know about myself... some of those things I'm too embarrassed to say it out loud, while some things, let's just say, it won't really bother me if even the whole world knows.

One of those things is how I'm a crazy super emotional freak!

yeah, and I guess to those that know me, this would be the least surprising thing about me. I get emotional over everything and nothing. I get emotional when I'm book reading, movie watching, song listening... u name it, and I'm it. and the thing is, whenever I'm emotional (which maybe all the time) its clearly shown on my face. Zara used to always fist me whenever I get this certain reaction on my face that she's too familiar with.

a good friend, Bayern, once told me that its scientifically known that women have a larger Amygdala - the part in the brain in control of emotional reactions - compared to men and its also scientifically known that my own amygdala is far bigger than any normal woman. not that i believe him or anything but i guess i understand where he's coming from.

well, speaking about emotions, its just that for the past weeks that classes have started i just kinda feel that my head, my heart, my self, its been all over the place. up n down, high n low. everything seems to get blown into crazy proportions and as always, i find myself unable to control its direction.

hearing about some friends quitting their studies was kind of a big blow. here, we're thinking that the moment you start this so called journey, you're gonna see it to the end but destiny has its own mind. and seeing some people forced to give up is just plain sad.

being project manager for Malaysian Open Day was a really big pressure on me. the stress of all of it, the setting up, the execution, expectation was really a whirlwind. i can't even remember how many times I blew up in people's faces (which, I take this chance to apologize to anyone affected, it was in no means personal). honestly, I am proud for the success but deep down, I just think that somehow I could have done better.

see, the level of stress on my face.

then, there was the whole MASCA drama that damn, if I had to go through all that again, then just hmpphhhh*%*. If there's anything that I dislike the most, it would be being the bad guy and I'm not saying that becoz I'm such a nice person, but I just don't do cruelty. But again, as I've been told over and over again when it comes to works, your professionalism comes first, but that still doesn't mean that I can hate all this crap.

and how I wish all this craziness were only work related, but no. it had to go personal. well, i'm not gonna go into the details of it, but I kinda think i've 'dumped' a very good friend whom once upon a time I might have hoped for something more than that. that's why I don't do complicated relationship, they are just too complicated. the point is, though I feel a bit of regret, but for the sake of my own heart, maybe this is the best (I hope)

and to top it all up, i've really been self-doubting myself and this I really hate. I know I'm not a 100 percent confident person, but times when I doubt myself, the person that I am, the person I 'm going to be, well its not really something fun. we've been studying pharmacy management in class and i've been thinking more and more about my decisions, my course, my future. questions that I really don't have the answer nor do I want to bother answering.

oh yes, and not to mention that the world is nearing qiamat and I for one am really scared and terrified. and its not just Japan, its like its one disaster after the other. guess its kinda like a warning from the One up there, a reminder of how everything that happens, is all in his hands and we as humans really need to learn something from this.

on the bright side, mama n abah had a fantastic time in Indonesia and I can't wait for my parcel to arrive with all the goods and the food. also, kak lang is safe and sound back in Tanta and everyone back home seems fine. oh, and for this autumn break, i'll get to visit zara and the rest in adelaide so that should be some thing good to look up to.

being an emotional person has it perks, yes i have to agree to that, but man, for once how I just wish that I could be one of those calm, composed women who always look cool and collected. not the crazy girl who goes berserk every time in crisis. well let's just hope that as I get older (hopefully maturer) somehow, magically I can learn to take control and be less emotional and more rational.